Monday, January 18, 2010

A New Year...A New Beginning

Well, what can I much has happened...changed, in my life in the last 2 months (has it really only been 2 months?!). I have a new home, a new country, a new climate, a new job (or at least I will once I get licensed)...a new family structure. Let's do I really fill you, whoever you are, in on my life? My husband and I have been having a rough go of our relationship for the past 3-4 years. And I am not placing entire blame on him, but this is not where I wanted to be or how I wanted our relationship to be at this time...this was his choice, and I could do nothing more than to accept it and try to move on. On December 9th, my world was rocked, my safe little life was shaken to the core...and as I went about my life in the days following, I realized that it was not going to ever go back to the way it was before. That was the day that my husband of 9 years, my partner of 13, decided that he needed to "step away" from our life together, try to make sense of his life and then decide if he truly wanted to be a part of our family, in the sense that we need him to be, again. Now, I need to say that we both have not been happy together in a very long time. But we were finally in marriage counselling, he finally had the help he needed to become a more understanding, less angry, more loving person...and now...when we finally had these tools to work with...he decided to leave. I was so angry, hurt, confused...I didn't, and still don't quite understand how he could just decide to leave me...leave the kids. I have since tried to come to terms with his decision...he just wants us to be happy, and if that is apart...then it has to be apart, and only time will tell if it will be with us together in the end. In the end...I just want to be with him, I love him, I miss him...I just want to be with him. Of course I want us to be happy, but I truly think that we can work on that and come out together in the end...he just needs to be open to that possibility.

Needless to say the kiddos are having a rough time dealing with this. And I feel so bad for them, I want to take away their pain, make it all better for them. It kills me to see their tears, hear their cries of anguish, and answer their unending questions about why daddy can't live with them in Canada. But I've been told by our counsellor that I need to acknowledge their feelings. I can't just try to make everything better and take away their pain...they need to live through this and come out on the other end. Take for instance tonight, they really wanted to talk to dad...but it was too late and he wasn't available. So I had to acknowledge the fact that they were all really sad and missing their dad, then I reassured them that Dad will call as soon as he can and that he still loves them...they were heartbroken, falling asleep with tears in their eyes. It kills me...every time. Sweet Pea asked me today if we could pack up tonight and drive back to our "regular home" because she misses daddy. I tried to explain to her that we couldn't go back to that home, that daddy wasn't there, that other people were living there...but she just wanted to go back where she knew that dad was, or at least where he used to be. It is so hard to not try to make them feel better...I mean, that's what mom's do!! They take away their kid's pain...but in this case, I can't...and it is so very hard to see them hurting this much.

So here I am, living back at home with my parents ( I am SO thankful to have such a supporting family!). I can't even work as a PT because I'm not licensed in Canada - a process which could take up to 6-8 months. I feel like the biggest loser, the biggest idiot, the biggest leech...I can't even provide for my kiddos...but it can only get better right? Despite all of this, I am actually looking forward to "doing it on my own." For so long I have been so dependent on Mike, not because he asked or wanted me to be, but because it was just so much easier to ask him what he wanted or how he wanted it done, rather than dealing with his anger after the fact. I am looking forward to rediscovering how truly amazing I can be...I miss the person everyone knew as Natasha Johnson...what happened to her when I became Natasha Cruz? How did I let myself get so lost that I don't even know where to start to find her again? I am looking forward to having my own first place and decorating it the way that I want it decorated, to buying my own first vehicle, to knowing exactly what I have in the bank and not having to worry about whether or not my card will be proving to myself that I am a damn good mom.

I have taken on a challenge from a post on Ali Edwards blog about your one special word for the year. To quote her:
"Essentially the idea is to choose a word (or let it choose you) that has the potential to make an impact on your life.
Maybe you want to invite something or maybe you are hoping to subtract something. Maybe your word will be practical or hopeful or creative or fanciful. Maybe you need a big word, something in-your-face that will challenge you everyday. Maybe you need something smaller and quieter that will whisper gentle tidings as you make your way throughout the year."

My word for 2010 is happiness

I am looking forward to a year filled with is something that I have been dearly missing for quite a while. It is my goal this year to rediscover me...the real find out what makes me truly happy...and then do it!! I have been putting my desires and goals and happiness on the back burner for too many years...I am too important to do that anymore. My kiddos, and me for that matter, need to see that being happy is a good thing, that doing things that make you happy is good for the soul...that no matter what happens after all of this drama plays out...that as long as I am happy, as long as we are happy...that it will be okay.

And so, with is to a new filled with love and support and most of all...happiness.


Lukasmummy said...

(((hugs))) I hope it all works out one way or the other for you and that it doesn't take too long for you and the kids to feel better. Hugs Crystal xx

Tanya Johnson said...

Sweet Sister, what you have done has taken courage. I always knew that you were the strongest of all us kids. I have always admired the way you took life by the balls and said "take that! You can't stop me!" It will take time, but happiness is right there, its waiting for you to accept it. Your kids are hurting right now, but what they will remember is that they had a Mom who wasn't willing to settle for less than the best. A Mom who decided that, enough is enough, I'm taking control of my own life. They will come to admire that. You are a strong role-model for your kids and you are doing the right thing. Stay strong and know that I'm just a call away, and only an 8 hour drive now!

kmb said...

I wish I could be there right now to give you a huge hug! If you need anything, I'm just an email or phone call away... I've always wanted to visit Canada...

Jenn Marie Cruz said...

I can't aggre more Tanya. Coming from another sister (I'm so honored to say) you are one of the strongest and most intelligent women I've ever known. I've told you this many times over the years. Not many people have the strength (and as Tanya put it perfectly, the balls) to pick up and say "enough." The kids, especially the girls, can now understand what it means to never accept less than worth, the best, because that's what you 4 deserve. NEVER call yourself a loser...EVER! Family will coming running with open arms and any help they can offer to keep eachother going. I HIGHLY doubt anyone sees you as a burden. We are your sisters, brothers, cousins, mother, father and friends, it is our true purpose in life to care for eachother, always. I love you sis, so much. Stay strong and beautiful and let each waking day be a gift. TO HAPPINESS!!