Needless to say the kiddos are having a rough time dealing with this. And I feel so bad for them, I want to take away their pain, make it all better for them. It kills me to see their tears, hear their cries of anguish, and answer their unending questions about why daddy can't live with them in Canada. But I've been told by our counsellor that I need to acknowledge their feelings. I can't just try to make everything better and take away their pain...they need to live through this and come out on the other end. Take for instance tonight, they really wanted to talk to dad...but it was too late and he wasn't available. So I had to acknowledge the fact that they were all really sad and missing their dad, then I reassured them that Dad will call as soon as he can and that he still loves them...they were heartbroken, falling asleep with tears in their eyes. It kills me...every time. Sweet Pea asked me today if we could pack up tonight and drive back to our "regular home" because she misses daddy. I tried to explain to her that we couldn't go back to that home, that daddy wasn't there, that other people were living there...but she just wanted to go back where she knew that dad was, or at least where he used to be. It is so hard to not try to make them feel better...I mean, that's what mom's do!! They take away their kid's pain...but in this case, I can't...and it is so very hard to see them hurting this much.
So here I am, living back at home with my parents ( I am SO thankful to have such a supporting family!). I can't even work as a PT because I'm not licensed in Canada - a process which could take up to 6-8 months. I feel like the biggest loser, the biggest idiot, the biggest leech...I can't even provide for my kiddos...but it can only get better right? Despite all of this, I am actually looking forward to "doing it on my own." For so long I have been so dependent on Mike, not because he asked or wanted me to be, but because it was just so much easier to ask him what he wanted or how he wanted it done, rather than dealing with his anger after the fact. I am looking forward to rediscovering how truly amazing I can be...I miss the person everyone knew as Natasha Johnson...what happened to her when I became Natasha Cruz? How did I let myself get so lost that I don't even know where to start to find her again? I am looking forward to having my own first place and decorating it the way that I want it decorated, to buying my own first vehicle, to knowing exactly what I have in the bank and not having to worry about whether or not my card will be accepted...to proving to myself that I am a damn good mom.
I have taken on a challenge from a post on Ali Edwards blog about your one special word for the year. To quote her:"Essentially the idea is to choose a word (or let it choose you) that has the potential to make an impact on your life.
Maybe you want to invite something or maybe you are hoping to subtract something. Maybe your word will be practical or hopeful or creative or fanciful. Maybe you need a big word, something in-your-face that will challenge you everyday. Maybe you need something smaller and quieter that will whisper gentle tidings as you make your way throughout the year."
My word for 2010 is happiness
I am looking forward to a year filled with happiness...it is something that I have been dearly missing for quite a while. It is my goal this year to rediscover me...the real me...to find out what makes me truly happy...and then do it!! I have been putting my desires and goals and happiness on the back burner for too many years...I am too important to do that anymore. My kiddos, and me for that matter, need to see that being happy is a good thing, that doing things that make you happy is good for the soul...that no matter what happens after all of this drama plays out...that as long as I am happy, as long as we are happy...that it will be okay.
And so, with that...here is to a new beginning...one filled with love and support and most of all...happiness.